Foot Steps.. my version

Again...It's been a long while...

& Again.. i dread to write. Write to shout it all out.. all the pent up feelings.. they may still be just lurking around with the aftermath of guilt/anger/sorrow. BUt it's alright. I need to take it out.air it..n put back into my stuffed closet..dirty linen..crumpled, left to mellow..or is it yellow. *shrugz*

It's 7thJan09, 7 days into 2009..Will it be another dreadful year?..fruitful i had always hope it to be. Too many downs..with ups barely noticeable.. they just stay around for a while.. just a little while..Like the wise said..good times are short..

Looking back into 2008.. why am I doing this.. beats me.
Most of the foot steps were full footprints.. certain parts were just half prints. very very negligible number of them.. With a smile followed by sadness.. these half prints were the times i was skipping along my path - times when i was happy..

The full footsteps.. were laden with with something heavy.. things i had no choice but to follow. They are right.. life is full of choices.. but these choices were just another set of choices among end road.. meaning.. it's still something I had to do..whether I like it or not. end of the day.. these choices either lead to the muddy path.. or a even muddier one..

This year.. i want to do somethings .. just because i want to do them. I am sick of living up to expectation of others.. I want to be rebellious this time round.. be contradictive..greedy..spiteful and selfish..just like another normal human being. I dun want to be lead by my nose anymore. I am not some damn goat/bull. A friend..forget who it was.. told me to live my life for myself. CAn I? How many of us live our life for ourselves? When i want to live my life for myself. it would mean..all my money to be used for my own stuffs.. my own spendings.. I wish it would be that easy.. But i still need to give her the $$ money.. that is no longer living for myself. I don't wish to travel 2 hrs ride every saturday.. cos that is not what i want in life. Say I'm unfilial.. then i am.. cos i have neglected my dad's mom for a long long time despite she is so much nearer to me. She is actually much dearer to me..at least most of my childhood memories contains her. I want to spend more time with her especially it's just a 5 mins walk..i compare.. i choose.. If Mom's mom hasn't moved that far needing 2 hrs ride everytime which is tedious and i have been doing it for almost 2 years. not to say I'm sick of it. I want to have my own free time and flexibility on weekends. I'm already tied from Mondays to fridays.. gimmme my break for the weekends.

All sayings are easier said than done. Just be more firm.. more hard-hearted..selfish..calculative. I can do things i want. Let's just wait & see if i can achieve that.

don't tell me be happy/grateful of what I have already owned. I'd think you are just bull shitting. Cos i owned nothing..I've nothing to my name. For Someone whom the world will not stop revolving because of my absence.. Wake up.. It's time to look for my existence-worth

This year..I want my path to be filled with more half foot prints..

BuRpz