Letters

I finally got myself to be obedient enough to clean out my closet.. for years i have chunk whatever rubbish..gifts.. documents..forgotten memories.. yes.. long forgotten..

There is a chunk of letters...one from a close sister.. but she dun see me as one anymore..next to her letter..was mine.. i nv got to send it out..i wrote.. but i don't know why i did not send it out.

next was from Jason.. cards.. yellow post-it letters.. i read them again last night.. emotions choked up.. i felt touched by his sincerity to write all of them.. how he much he loves me as days past.. sweet isn't it...how could not take care of me anymore..suddenly i realise.. why wasnt i touched then? All the lovey dovey times.. only to replace by my harshness.. bcos i wanted to break free from him.. i knew his illness was caused by me. i hoped he had recovered now and living a life he feels contented with. Millions of apologies cant mend your broken-heart, may you be with the one that brings in all the sunshine for you.

then.. a penpal.. hahaa .. a gal from London.. Helen Smith...a letter from her..i send her a letter back.. but that was long ago.. maybe i did not pay the correct postage to send it to London.. haahaa

lastly.. from an ex colleague.. i nv had the memory i ever read his letter.. 2 of it somemore.. hopelessly ..is all in Chinese.. i guess i nv even read it.. He's telling me his new life in Uni...tell me his choices.. he wrote alot..1 full page.. honestly.. i dun recall i read it.. 2nd page was another lettr which he wrote 2 weeks later.. FUNNY.. send 2 letters together.. but the 2nd letter was with his contact no... a shorter letter asking me to call him.. I nv did.. My friend told me maybe he was interested me but could not pluck up the courage ..therefore just ask me to call...siao.. trunk calls.. i was like only 16.. a poor student..but i do remember i stick to him and his friend alot when we were working together.. haahaa.. maybe bcos he was the youngest among the others..others are the boss..the manager..all are like twice my age.. i still remember it is in Bugis above KFC.. haaha employment agency .. everyday i have tons of paperwork to handle.. haahaa..
Anyway..moral of the story.. nv ever write me a chinese letter... i probably read it only after 13 yrs like now.... haahaa

BuRpz sign off..

Perfect eyesight 6/6.. mentally or physically

It's 1 week to 3months after my lasik.

Vision is recorded as perfect 6/6 by the optometrists.
Indeed clearer vision, having needing vison aids for almost more than 20 years.

It also bring about a clearer what is Family all about.
A clearer view of a doting BIASED woman and a young unemployed student irresponsible brother.

My rantings utmost feelings reveals....

The former - pretends to be all nice and good to you with the ever intention so as cheat whatever she can out of you,
stressing that she tried to be fair but nv done so. YES.. fair. I have to do the housework, denied access to the storeroom /aircon,
insisted i should pay for the new sofa just because the latter is still in school and doesn't hold a job, demand to live up to her expectations,
blamed the dog for all the smell.. LIKE WTF.. read this I'm surprised that my DOG CAN CLIMBED UP THE FUCKING TOILET BOWL & PEE IN THE HOLE BUT HASN"T LEARNT TO FLUSH..
even i am rushing late for work, hang ard like the the grimreaper to make sure i clean up otherwise her black magic will start to work..
must do her favours but when u request a favour..just dream on..
fix microwave cos her lovable darling wants to bake stuff to impress a cunt hole. most expensive treat $26 half a duck shared by 3..
returned the $ owed, but claimed did not rcvd. NOw i know why she refuse IB transfer! enough said.. my blood will only boils further!

The Latter - clean up only when gf needs to come for a visit. what is she? queen of sg? rich man's brat?
IS this what being part of the family is about.. only clean up, clear things when there is a need to impress a CB.. CCB.
only clean own's room, smart move. be smarter, climb up the gutter to your room. do not use the front door.Leave by the same way.
Pee and shit out of the window, do not utilise the toilet.
shower- you better pray it rains everyday.
Internet fee - you have out it in a nice way, share. end up. i pay $40 & you pay $20 and your usage is higher than mine.When the router breaks down in May, your promise - "settle when i come back".
Aug-came back.pretend problem nv occurs. YOU get to use all the time, all day while i am at work. When i need to use for a few hours at night and your face is equivalent starts smelling like a racoon's fart.
Sep- i ask when can you settle the prob.. answer: " when i got the money" end of sentence. 2 months. fucking tolerate bcos you said you need to do your school work.
"when you get the money" is the day when i meet my maker.
Oct- come to me & said share the router which cost at the most $120 quoting bcos he paid for the modem. LIKE SINCE WHEN YOU PASS ME THE $$, MODEM BROKE DOWN A FEW WEEKS b4 YOU ARE FARKKING DUE TO GO USA..KNOWING U NEED $$, I ASK YOU RETURN WHEN U R BACK . remind you that you did not pay me the $, face worse that a scorpion's bite.
NOv- walk pass and you are watching anime. Ur mountain said " need to relaxed ma" , bravo, staring at the screen for work is stress, staring at the screen watch anime is relaxation. Simple.. treat your work as anime. You are relaxing all the time.
2 weeks to dec - got super pissed as totally cannot get online all the damn times, ask you again, you say dun know. good i make the decision, when you complete your studies. answer: early dec.
my reply : I dun want to share with you anymore starting from dec.
Your mountain : "let him use lah, he doesn't have the money,not working"
My answer : I gave him time long enough to work out the resolution to the problem, all he can say is "wait till i got the money".
Your mountain : He did not get to work in USA, survived on his savings.
My reply : from Aug to Nov is 4 months, if he save over the 4 months, end of nov, he could have gotten a new router.
letting you for free is not a problem, what pissed me off is YOUR FARKING IRRESPONSIBILTY to hold things off like meaning TML NV COMES and only when by force you think of solutions
Uncle SAID : " he will only graduate in mid 2009
My thought : so telling me DECEMBER IS JUST PURELY A LIE TO ME & i am not giving in.
the 1st day of dec - Singnet Mio modem in room, even if promotion bundle, need not pay a single cent up front, monthly subcriptions. yes you can afford. yet a router, cant.MIND You.. u did not pay me for the nov usage.
IF U DON"T REMEMBER, I'm reminding you now, when you first started to use, it was almost to the end of the month, you offered to pay first, BUT i told you to pay at the end of the next month which means after you finished using for the month, den you need to pay. AS YEARS passed, you been dragging payment from month-end to beginning of next month. ALL these while I kept mumb.
Your NO $$ =
1) able to buy ingredients to bake a cake
2) able to buy a PHILLIP blender
3) spend $$ on flowers on valentines day

Just bcos i took some strawberries meant for your stupid gf, you gave me the zbye look. Thanks. This is what i got from my blood-related brother. to begin with i'm suspecting we are not even related in any way.

what have you done ard in the house. O you did. you got a light bulb for the toilet. YES that is bcos your gf is visiting tml. Why didn't you get a toilet seat for the bathroom too?

There are more.. all these are neverending.

I seen what i have as my family. Given the choice, i choose to give up my identity.

Dear whoeva has the power to change my fate.

1) MAKE THEM DIE; or
2) kill me, my soul and my existence.

It's better with option 2. Let them be happy, let them be guilt-free, let them have what they want at the expenses of my ceasing-existence.
What am i? Nothing. Just an orphan gal left behind by Daddy.
I am trying to make my ends meet but it's not working.

My existence isn't worth a thing. Don't let me wake up again.
Please read my this will at my funeral.
Clear & loud. I have kept to myself all these while cos there are more stuff to trouble. It's time they come out.

Foot Steps.. my version

Again...It's been a long while...

& Again.. i dread to write. Write to shout it all out.. all the pent up feelings.. they may still be just lurking around with the aftermath of guilt/anger/sorrow. BUt it's alright. I need to take it out.air it..n put back into my stuffed closet..dirty linen..crumpled, left to mellow..or is it yellow. *shrugz*

It's 7thJan09, 7 days into 2009..Will it be another dreadful year?..fruitful i had always hope it to be. Too many downs..with ups barely noticeable.. they just stay around for a while.. just a little while..Like the wise said..good times are short..

Looking back into 2008.. why am I doing this.. beats me.
Most of the foot steps were full footprints.. certain parts were just half prints. very very negligible number of them.. With a smile followed by sadness.. these half prints were the times i was skipping along my path - times when i was happy..

The full footsteps.. were laden with with something heavy.. things i had no choice but to follow. They are right.. life is full of choices.. but these choices were just another set of choices among end road.. meaning.. it's still something I had to do..whether I like it or not. end of the day.. these choices either lead to the muddy path.. or a even muddier one..

This year.. i want to do somethings .. just because i want to do them. I am sick of living up to expectation of others.. I want to be rebellious this time round.. be contradictive..greedy..spiteful and selfish..just like another normal human being. I dun want to be lead by my nose anymore. I am not some damn goat/bull. A friend..forget who it was.. told me to live my life for myself. CAn I? How many of us live our life for ourselves? When i want to live my life for myself. it would mean..all my money to be used for my own stuffs.. my own spendings.. I wish it would be that easy.. But i still need to give her the $$ money.. that is no longer living for myself. I don't wish to travel 2 hrs ride every saturday.. cos that is not what i want in life. Say I'm unfilial.. then i am.. cos i have neglected my dad's mom for a long long time despite she is so much nearer to me. She is actually much dearer to me..at least most of my childhood memories contains her. I want to spend more time with her especially it's just a 5 mins walk..i compare.. i choose.. If Mom's mom hasn't moved that far needing 2 hrs ride everytime which is tedious and i have been doing it for almost 2 years. not to say I'm sick of it. I want to have my own free time and flexibility on weekends. I'm already tied from Mondays to fridays.. gimmme my break for the weekends.

All sayings are easier said than done. Just be more firm.. more hard-hearted..selfish..calculative. I can do things i want. Let's just wait & see if i can achieve that.

don't tell me be happy/grateful of what I have already owned. I'd think you are just bull shitting. Cos i owned nothing..I've nothing to my name. For Someone whom the world will not stop revolving because of my absence.. Wake up.. It's time to look for my existence-worth

This year..I want my path to be filled with more half foot prints..

BuRpz