Disappointment...

I'm not sure how am I able to put this across...

But things that she had done.. certainly has an deep impact on me...
Some things may seem to have never wrongs or rights...
But expectations is there to gauge what things are suppose to be..So when things doesn't fall my way... well..naturally I'd feel so disappointed...But who am I to judge her actions.. to find fault with her when I'm no saint myself....

I've done something unforgivable...months back...a black mark.. losing a friend.. hahaa.. if he's worth a friend.. have tried to mend & get back the way we used to be... It doesn't seem to be working....For a whole day, I just couldn't believe the shit is happening..

I'll show you how fickled-minded or heartless i can get...
The very next day, i snapped out of my decomposition .. I saw a sight in the ladies that really etched a deep smack across my face...What the hell i was thinking.

There was a lady sitting on the floor..reeking of liquorl.. strong.. i supposed she must have drank alot...tipsy..crying to the phone.. bawling to someone most probably her hubby...WELL.. it's her hubby i think.. cuz standing beside her was a lil boy toddler.. she was practically begging the fucker on the other line not to treat her the way he's doing now... She looks pretty young.. Maybe my age or even younger. She was like forcing the boy to ask daddy to come back.

I was like..WTF.. i dun want to be like her.. i dun want a MAN to make me cry.. over worthless issues... when a man has a change of heart.. he's not a man.. he's just another faggoty doo daa deyy to me... When a man cant be responsible to his course of actions.. he's no difference from a weakling duckie... U know.. DUCK.. as in GIGOLO... I'm definetly not gonna lower myself to such degrading act...I can't bring myself to do so..

The smack came on real hard.. I realise.. there is no place in my heart for him. He's just a replacement for my companionship..simply bcos he's near.. When i have my other commitments.. he was nv on my mind..... It's my dependance on getting away from loneliness draws me to him... My foolishness that encourage him that i was someone i wasn't really.

I talked to TCSQ abt it...he concluded that I'm just treating anyone who comes along as a life bouy.. but when i get onshore.. to firmer grounds..I'll be quick & heartless to discard the life Bouy... Well.. this is from a brother who had known me through these 6 years.. not due to the years..but due to he was one of the victims...SORRY BROTHER.. =p..I know you will still love me ...irregardless how mean i was to you..but you agreed you deserved it too..didn't ya..

So this fella whom i heartlessly snap out of my thoughts in less than 48 hours, text me a few days back.. on checking how was i coping...I didn't want to gave him the wrong encouragement again...so i took extra long time to respond.. TCSQ always said I've a talent to kill a Guy's interest in me... WTF.. this is me.. my character.. there is nothing I can change nor neither do I wanna change this..

Only those that can truly appreciate my shit gets my appreciation....

I'm not bending on perfection... neither can i allow myself to be shortchanged on something which i think is pretty important... Moral integrity...something which cannot be found between the both of us anymore.

BuRpz