Disappointment...

I'm not sure how am I able to put this across...

But things that she had done.. certainly has an deep impact on me...
Some things may seem to have never wrongs or rights...
But expectations is there to gauge what things are suppose to be..So when things doesn't fall my way... well..naturally I'd feel so disappointed...But who am I to judge her actions.. to find fault with her when I'm no saint myself....

I've done something unforgivable...months back...a black mark.. losing a friend.. hahaa.. if he's worth a friend.. have tried to mend & get back the way we used to be... It doesn't seem to be working....For a whole day, I just couldn't believe the shit is happening..

I'll show you how fickled-minded or heartless i can get...
The very next day, i snapped out of my decomposition .. I saw a sight in the ladies that really etched a deep smack across my face...What the hell i was thinking.

There was a lady sitting on the floor..reeking of liquorl.. strong.. i supposed she must have drank alot...tipsy..crying to the phone.. bawling to someone most probably her hubby...WELL.. it's her hubby i think.. cuz standing beside her was a lil boy toddler.. she was practically begging the fucker on the other line not to treat her the way he's doing now... She looks pretty young.. Maybe my age or even younger. She was like forcing the boy to ask daddy to come back.

I was like..WTF.. i dun want to be like her.. i dun want a MAN to make me cry.. over worthless issues... when a man has a change of heart.. he's not a man.. he's just another faggoty doo daa deyy to me... When a man cant be responsible to his course of actions.. he's no difference from a weakling duckie... U know.. DUCK.. as in GIGOLO... I'm definetly not gonna lower myself to such degrading act...I can't bring myself to do so..

The smack came on real hard.. I realise.. there is no place in my heart for him. He's just a replacement for my companionship..simply bcos he's near.. When i have my other commitments.. he was nv on my mind..... It's my dependance on getting away from loneliness draws me to him... My foolishness that encourage him that i was someone i wasn't really.

I talked to TCSQ abt it...he concluded that I'm just treating anyone who comes along as a life bouy.. but when i get onshore.. to firmer grounds..I'll be quick & heartless to discard the life Bouy... Well.. this is from a brother who had known me through these 6 years.. not due to the years..but due to he was one of the victims...SORRY BROTHER.. =p..I know you will still love me ...irregardless how mean i was to you..but you agreed you deserved it too..didn't ya..

So this fella whom i heartlessly snap out of my thoughts in less than 48 hours, text me a few days back.. on checking how was i coping...I didn't want to gave him the wrong encouragement again...so i took extra long time to respond.. TCSQ always said I've a talent to kill a Guy's interest in me... WTF.. this is me.. my character.. there is nothing I can change nor neither do I wanna change this..

Only those that can truly appreciate my shit gets my appreciation....

I'm not bending on perfection... neither can i allow myself to be shortchanged on something which i think is pretty important... Moral integrity...something which cannot be found between the both of us anymore.

BuRpz

I'm back...for a while

It's been pretty long since I last blog.. I can safely say is due to my heavy work load.. but for the fact. I know it's not...
MOst of my time.. spent on Yoville.. some graphic game.. which got me addicted ..really hard up on it... Play it.. you'll know what i mean.
I didn't want to write. Like a spolit brat. I didn't.. There is two sides of me.. asking me to write my thoughts.. the other side asking to "just shut up".
"People will pick on you.whateva you said" Just go sleep n stick to Yoville " grinx"

The truth is I've been very unhappy. Work.. friends..life.. myself..especially monetary wise.I get irritated at the slightest thing i saw. Someone commented that i think too highly of myself. That was long time back.. but it just lurk around in my memory that I'm seen as a arrogant Biatch.

There are things i pretended i don't know.. What do i get ? " I hate it when you pretend you don't know but you actually knows"
It's like WTF...

There's a reason why i build my own prison.

The inmates of the real prison may looked they are void of freedom, restricted of movements. But there is something that they did not realise. It looks like the law is protecting the majority against them. But my thoughts are otherwise. People affects each other. The inmates are being protected from the majority so as to stop all the peer pressure in their life & make it more smoother over that period of time. Those who stayed outside has to fend themselves against the malicious tongues, sight & sense of others.

It's a cycle.

What could have caused someone to break the law?

Desire, greed, envy, jealousy.
All crimes are the cause & effects the communication between people.

Drug addicts - if there is no drug dealer, where would these addicts comes from?
Drug dealer- if there is no addicts, where would these dealers comes from?

Our daily lives, actions, responsibility are closely linked. Everyone leads something along/off the road.

The purpose of my prison.. ? My thoughts are my own bars.. & my sight are the chains that determined what ahs to be locked up.

Honestly.. i dun understand the crap i just wrote up there.

Life's contradicting, isn't it?

BuRpz

Something interesting about love

Happen to chance upon this from someone : midnight_101@hotmail.com

Somewhat true .. but if that really works.... it'd be just another story

Quote***

Life is precious and there is joy to be experienced in life.
If people are open to seeing the good and joyous in all kinds of situations, it makes life worth living.
It's ok to kiss a fool, it's ok to let a fool kiss you, but never ever let a kiss fool you....
It is better to meet the person who will truly love you later, than meet someone now who promises to love you but sooner or later leave you forever.....
Fate determines who comes into our lives.
The heart determines who stays...
Love is like a knife, it can stab e heart or it can carve wonderful images into e soul that will last a lifetime

Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you smile.

UnQuote***

Random Thoughts

A recent conversation set me thinking what is casual sex to Men.

Yes Men.. you know the walking prick with 2 balls dangling on the outside below it. haaa.. yes.. i'm that crude ..especially when it comes to describing the other gender whom i particularly has no erm.. okie.. not much respect for... THOUGH.. there are still a minority whose character I still admire & has command a great deal of respect..say for example.. my Daddy.. some of my Uncles... some friends...


BUT the majority that sadly still surviving in the society are nothing but just pieces of SHIT.. you know.. those kind .. just imagine... irregardless how well their appearance appeals .. look like walking pricks with a big chunk of cowdung just on top or worn on them like bandannas...Trust me.. nowadays.. even if the guy really look like shit.. his character is worse den fermented apples...

As a guy.... .. You claimed you are confused. So confused you are..It understandable that maybe things came too sudden...Maybe You are on heat (yes... men are dogs sometimes - not trying to be insulting).. & something sexual happens... & later on your conclusion there is no sparks between the 2 of you. It's like wad de FUCK can.... no sparks can have sex.. BRAVO. Though you have repeatedly apologised & claimed that you have regretted your actions.. & tried to be as nice as you used to be.. Acting a saint hur...I just cannot understand how one is able to have sex with another if there isn't any liking.. HOW DIFFERENT ARE YOU FROM THE DIRTY OLD MEN WHO VISIT THE PROSTITUTES TO SATISFY THEIR LAME-OUS SEXUAL QUENCH... KNN...

When a guy asked if you can have something with him.. no string attached.. just SEX.. o my goSh.. What kind of character are you.. a while acting to be saint.. in another less than a min you acted like sex is just wad you want. COME ON.. if you have treated her a friend.. you could not..no.. it's SHOULD NOT HAVE make use of her feelings for you to hoax her into bed.. That was pretty low...no.. That was REALLLY LOW..

Ironically, when a guy explained that things that had happened was totally different from ONS..you did it with feel.. WOW.. with feel... NO sparks.. but with feel.. Zbye.. are you looking for that kind of sparks that can electrocute you till NO EXISTENCE. .. Have you realise what you have been saying & doing.... How different is feel from sparks...ISN'T IT THE SAME DAMN THING!!!
IN other words, i can also put it that you see ONS no different from Masturbation.. well.. YOU COULD HAVE SHUT YOURSELF IN THE TOILET & MASTURBATE..

Stop hurting others.
BuRpz

Faith

How much does it takes to stay faithful to someone.

How much does it takes for someone to keep away from someone who attached to another.

How much does it takes for someone whose attached to stay away from someone who has interest.

How much does it takes for a LEUSER to understand how immoral he is by lurking around someone's whose attached.

How much does it takes for someone to understand that an immoral LEUSER has no integrity.

Why bother..it's none of my business. My motto.. "It's none of my business"

Yes yes .. I don't seem to understand..how lonely one can get.. YUH..try telling that to someone whose been single for 5? 6 years. it's not an excuse.
If it is..it would have been easy to break not just 1.. but several hearts.

MAN..can never be satisfied. Always yearning for better.. hoping for more.. & asking for the impossible. I forget..Babies grew.. not just physically but greedily... Desire implant into them.. no.. desire has always been a seed embedded deeply waiting to be nurtured & release..release to wreak havoc to others. It is just like a circuit.. as one grew.. the capsule holding Desire will detonate & release it's contents.

Even the most angelic one you always thought to be... has the potential to have desire but only waiting for the right time to come along.

Desire can be evil.. it makes you greed for more..better & best..at the expense of hurting others.

Yes Hurting others... LEUSER.. get it? causing hurt to another because of your damn freaking desire to have someone whose attached makes you a real LEUSER.

Time to sleep.. may the Leuser gets insomniac forever & become a panda... castrated panda.. that is.. haahaa

BuRpz

Samsung - I will NV PATRONISE ever again!

The product is still okay to use. But the customer service simply cannot make it totally!!!

Firstly, my calls always cannot be connected in the evening. IT'S the DAMN phone.. cos when i used my Nokia .. no problem!
And, then my Lcd screen crack for no apparent foreseen/predicted reason. It just went haywired after i finished a call. Those people at the customer service centre claimed that it is due to maybe pressure or I've drop the damn phone WHICH i did neither!!!
If this damn phone, that had cost me SGD$200/- , couldn't even barely survived for a year.. Even with special care.. I had been keep it in a pouch most of the time other then using it.
If it's due to pressure, the damn cover would have CRACK too! Doesn't that make perfect sense.
If they are gonna tell me that the Lcd screen will still crack even if the cover didn't.. It would simply make prefect sense that the design seriously have a BIG problem!

The Lady at the counter told me it's 3 to 5 WORKING days they will contact me.. BUT NO.. NO ONE called up.

I've called up on Friday, which is 4 working days after i have send it for repair.. they tells me it's under pending status still & she told me she will personally follow up.. FINE... I tolerate till today... & yet.. no one called... & i had to call up personally.. WHAT kind of customer service is this man.. RUBBISH.. totally unethnical.

So i called earlier, & they told me that i need to pay a sun of less than 600bucks, & they are waiting for me to revert..I'm like.. What the fuck.. no one called. no one informed me, No one even bother to revert!.. I told ther lady off.. & she promised to get someone from the PS counter to call me back.. NOW.. 6.52pm.. NO ONE called, i called up again.. the goddamnit samsung is closed for the day. What the fuck sia! Knn...

Totally stupid & irresponsible bunch of useless grats..I had specifically told her to get back to me.

O Boy, I'm so fuming mad...I guess i have to call tommorrow & give them a piece of my mind first thing in the morning.

ARGhH!!!!!!!! I need to vent my anger somewhere... tml suppose to go gym, they better have my phone ready for collection tommorrow when i am am on my way to Gym.. else i will definitely demand to speak to the manager ! Fuck up...

I will never ever ever patronise Samsung from now on.. It's not their products.. It's their after-sales services that totally unsatisfactory..in fact terrible!

BuRpz

Let me take you there

I pretty love this song.. Let me take you there by Plain White Ts... Fully describe my thoughts...

Here goes the lyrics...

I know a place that we can go to
A place where no one knows you
They won't know who we are
I know a place that we can run to
And do those things we want to
They won't know who we are

Let me take you there
I wanna take you there

I know a place that we've forgotten
A place we won't get caught in
They won't know who we are (they won't know, won't know)
I know a place where we can hide out
And turn our hearts inside out
They won't know who we are

Let me take you there
I wanna take you there
Let me take you there
Take you there
Take you there
Ooohhh
Ooohhh
Ooohhh
Ooohhh

I know a place we'll be together
And stay this young forever
They won't know who we are

Let me take you there
I wanna take you there
Let me take you there
Take you there
Take you there
Ooohhh

We can get away to a better place if you let me take you there
We can go there now cause every second counts
Girl just let me take you there
Take you there


But..whose gonna take me there??
Sighzz..

BuRpZ

Horoscope is so true!!

Gosh... the horoscope prediction is soo soo true...

LM pissed me off to the max today.
Her freaking 16mins is equivalent to dun know how many god damn hours..

While waiting for my hair to be done by JG..the silence is terrible.. & inside i was fuming.. where the fuck is she.. knn..she was the one who wanted to see him. ended up.. not even a sight of her god damn tail...This teaches me a lesson.. Never never ever ever be a match-maker... it's fuckingly teach me how friends are meant to be made use of & betrayed.. She did not even spare a thought for me that i would feel awkward..I dun even have any common topic with JG.. & she is fuckingly not there as promised weeks ago.."I'll accompany you while you get your hair done"

THANKS AR! knn...

I simply acted be a unforgiving bitch to her, throughout that is....

FRIENDS...yuhyuh approximately 10years of friendship..old habit dies hard..

Today's horoscope...

Children need to be disciplined in order to grow up to be considerate, mature people -- but grownups need order in their lives to stay considerate and mature. There is too much disarray in your life right now, and it's got to get reigned in before it goes too far. A messy car, cluttered desk, and crammed closet are not helping you stay focused and stress-free. Take time today to sort through the debris of your life and toss out what you don't need. It's only getting in the way.

Is this implying that i should get rid of the redundant people in my life..say for example..people who constantly pissed me off.. people who constantly make me feel unhappy.. I had a pain in the butt at work already,, i seriously don't need another pain in the neck for my social life

Off to bed...sucky mood to start yesterday & to end today..


BuRpz

Horoscope for the Day

Warn your friends or coworkers that you could get grumpy as the day moves forward -- have you been getting enough rest and eating well? If not, it's time to put your health first and start saying no to late night invitations. Keeping yourself feeling strong is your responsibility -- no one is going to force you to treat yourself well. In fact, it's other people who usually are the reason you do things that aren't the best for you to do! Take your health seriously and you'll feel sunnier again.

This is so true.. I've been feeling grumpy since morning....
Sickening driver that drove so slow... I woke up early so that i can be on time for work.. yet still late....ARGH!

yeah.. what contributes to my weight gain.. i cannot resist invitations for late nights when i should be at the GYM!!! sighzz....

alright set.. i will have to get back to the gym on Sunday!!!! no more excuses!

No more late night dramas.. get to bed @ 10pm.. get my ass off bed @ 6am... work out 30mins on my "thick bed of dust collect" cross trainer.. meditation..

Ooo meditation...I've been a bad gal... i ahven been mediating like for....ages?

sighzz.. Life is in a mess.. I'm back to my demoralised self again.. Sickening..

Suppose to be jogging with ZhengMin tonight.. but LM called up & coerced me to get my hair colored so that she gets the chance/opportunity to salivate @ JG... kaoZ..

WHY DO I ALWAYS GIVE IN!!!!!!!!!!! ZZzZZzZz

Getting to dislike the Buyers i work with.... Sickening.. no sense of direction.. no sense of proper coordination.. their explanation sucks as well... Why is money always the root of all troubles!

God.. Just gimme 1 BILLION!!!!.. i'll be contented & happy!

Time to leave & get back to work...

BuRpz

Random thoughts turn scary

Amidst the surrounded darkness, a sudden thought of what my next five year will be like simply barged its way into my mind.

It was a blank...yes.. the thought was a blank one. I can't visualized what I will be doing in five years time at this very same moment.

Will I still be holding the same job with that pathetic pay barely to stay alive.

The thought of being alone scares me. Seeing others surrounded by their loved ones scares me. Seeing the lovey dovey couples scares me too.

The seed that scares me is my incapability to love & cherish what I have. The selfishness in me scares me. I know i am capable of being sweet & all-cuddly... but how long will i last.

Envious of the sweet love found in Taiwanese drama, Hana Kimi.. But then, how true can that be in real life.

How much sacrifice I will be able to extend like Ruixi... Is there really a guy in the world like Quan.. sweetly protecting & loving Ruixi. All these screenplay is really eating me out.. that's why i seldom watch such drama..unless it involved comedy else i surely would go crazy thinking when can i find a love sweet & sensual like that.

Ruixi had lost 30pounds just for Quan... This is so familiar... I did the same for someone a couple years back.. 30 pounds too..hahaa.. but we didn't work out..

Laziness had found its way back to me and so has the flaccids & bulging meat.. Sighz.. I guess I am contemplating to go for acupuncture to for weight loss.

Suddenly, i felt it's a sin to be fat.. fat .. and ugly. I dun know why.. I'm starting to have thoughts that I'm someone whose boring.. Unloving..uninteresting..

Guys gets interested with the wrong reasons. I dread that.. I dread the 2 piece of fats on me.
Will there be a day in which i would kill off these perverts...

O boy, turning 30 soon.. do i look like one? so many random thoughts came up today.. This is so scary.. Blank ones especially...it makes my future look so bleaked. I'm so afraid of growing & looking old

Had mahjong with Mouse, Jeff & Ivy..LOST $$ again..sianz.. my luck is really down still... sighz..


Gosh.. 328am in the the total darkness.. a few more hours before i meet up with pei,ft,fel & nic..picnic & trekking @ the southern ridges.. Ahhh..yeshh.. pictures..Think i would better go off now else will be late tomorrow & they will scream their heads off !!

buRpz

What are friendship make of?

Amazingly amused I am now, at the speed of how a friendship could simply just be forsaken just over a mere teasing conversation.

I reckon it could be just planned for else, it's just up-pented frustration needing a place to fire-in-the-hole like how some army personnel likes to quote.

That's how fast a friendship is gone, click delete, confirm & block, click yes. This is way faster than having to sms.


Santos "U'll only fail if u stop trying." said:
how darling

EnQi 劉恩圻 Berlindy Law - Dysmorphophobia the unquenchable desire to be perfeCt..... said:
wad how darling

Santos "U'll only fail if u stop trying." says (9:57 PM):
wat talking u

EnQi 劉恩圻 Berlindy Law - Dysmorphophobia the unquenchable desire to be perfeCt..... says (9:58 PM):
Santos "U'll only fail if u stop trying." said:
how darling
suddenly my window pop this up
u got msg wrong persdon?

Santos "U'll only fail if u stop trying." says (9:58 PM):
oh i mean HI darling

EnQi 劉恩圻 Berlindy Law - Dysmorphophobia the unquenchable desire to be perfeCt..... says (9:59 PM):
ZZZZZ

Santos "U'll only fail if u stop trying." says (10:01 PM):
y cant i hold a simple conversation with u ?

EnQi 劉恩圻 Berlindy Law - Dysmorphophobia the unquenchable desire to be perfeCt..... says (10:01 PM):
l0l
cos i ain't that simple as you think i might be
LOL

Santos "U'll only fail if u stop trying." says (10:02 PM):
look, dont think too highly of yrself and dont assume pple take u for simple bimbo
if u think im another bastard trying to find some hole for fun? think again


EnQi 劉恩圻 Berlindy Law - Dysmorphophobia the unquenchable desire to be perfeCt..... says (10:02 PM):
i wish i am just SOME simple BimBo can
LOL

Santos "U'll only fail if u stop trying." says (10:02 PM):
cold , than im not tat smartie miss simple
if u think im a her bastard trying to find some hole for fun? think again

EnQi 劉恩圻 Berlindy Law - Dysmorphophobia the unquenchable desire to be perfeCt..... says (10:03 PM):
u not finding fun
u just find chance to irk me

Santos "U'll only fail if u stop trying." says (10:03 PM):
by saying hi darling ?
dude, fuck it
block me
its ok, i'll delete u off
fucking moron

EnQi 劉恩圻 Berlindy Law - Dysmorphophobia the unquenchable desire to be perfeCt..... says (10:04 PM):
okie loh
its up to u

Not to mention, "fucking moron" slashed across the last sentence.

Feeling hurt? Nah~~don't ask me why.
Having a fever could have caused the indifference.

The next moment was to call Ninny, she didn't picked up.
Text her something's not right with Eric.

The next moment was to think what he mentioned

" look, dont think too highly of yrself and dont assume pple take u for simple bimbo
if u think im another bastard trying to find some hole for fun? think again"


Never did I ever... I've always got low morale on myself, hence explains the my dysmorphophobic self - the desire to be perfect-------- perfectly normal.

Then again, i wished i'm just some simple Bimbo too, at least i wouldn't care less & start being a mean bitch..
I mean really mean... You wouldn't really understand what mean really is till you personally watch the whole episode.

It's a blessing to be simple, forgetful & lastly Bimboic... really..
Sometimes...you maybe mean fun.. some simply think its offensive... HOW?
please the world.. forget it, I'm tired

I'm lazy.. it's true.. I'm so much to say.. so much to complain, so much to rebuke..
But when i think i have to go through all the hassle..It's simply just killing my brain cells without a good cause.

Ok..I'm just plain lazy.

Can i like just ignore the whole damn world.

Hopefully this fever would bring me somewhere else where the ugly side of human is not residing.

Humans are ugly, especially when you see how fast they try to turn their odds to suit the situation.

This past year of experience is enough seen.

Through my eyes, I see treachery.. maybe not that heavy word to use.. but the meaning is there...
Be amazed..in just less than a year.

signing off
BuRpz

Marionette

Sometimes I will I'm just an android..with the maiden circuit...

with the ability to self-detonate... just pull the trigger

Game over... everything ends

tis wOrld..has no place for me...

Sad thing to say.. but this is so true...

Things hasn't been going on as the way i anticipated it to be ever since my bday- Christmas...

The only ever-so consoling words of comfort were "Happy Bday" from a few of the closer friends...

5 days trip to Bangkok for shopping.. is one of the event i would wish to forget..forever

I saw..I experienced..& finally understand..colleagues & close friends..the quo can never share the same status.

Thank you Ft.. for pointing that to me at the final stage.

The episode of reality bites.. real bites.. leaving the teeth marks untraceable yet etching beyond the flesh.


After granny's dinner celebration.. walked home from Chinatown... something happened.. b4.. started in the morning.. that trigger my helpless anger.

WTF am I swallowing her shit.. arghh

Is tis true?? tis wOrld has no plaCe for me...not anymore.. I outlived my usefulness...
I'm so tired.. of living up to expectation..
I'm so tired.. of having her shifting the blame of Desiree's poor results
I'm so tired . of her nagging me of being irresponsible.. hello.. look at yourself..


I'm le tired just sent you a nudge.

EnQi 劉恩圻 Berlindy Law says (11:31 PM):
yes
fel
i want to leave

i'm le tired says (11:31 PM):
???

EnQi 劉恩圻 Berlindy Law says (11:31 PM):
to a place where i know no one.. no want knows me
& a place that i do not know of my past
my origins
my so call family

i'm le tired says (11:32 PM):
wth!!!

EnQi 劉恩圻 Berlindy Law says (11:32 PM):
my so call kinship
i'm le tired says (11:32 PM):
u mad!

EnQi 劉恩圻 Berlindy Law says (11:32 PM):
my so call friends
a place where i dun know where i am
a place where no one knows where i am

i'm le tired says (11:33 PM):
erm wad happened??

EnQi 劉恩圻 Berlindy Law says (11:35 PM):
nvm..

Thanks Fel..Appreciate you for the care.

To Aunt...
I feel so exploited... Why do i have to explain my actions.. my life.. my whereabouts..
I mean.. what has it gotta to do with you really...
DUN FUCKING ASK IF YOU ARE FUCKING TO SAY "SO WHAT HAS IT GOT TO DO WITH ME"
You may think you are just kidding with me..
watch your tone. it says otherwise. at least to me

If I said I do not wish to do whoever a favour.. I FUCKING mean it.
Family means helping each other with an ulterior motive.. this is what I've learn from your sister for the past 28 years...

Do not give me any advise... bcos.. you are not having a perfectly happy life yourself.
Respect is earned.. not freebie given to Elders.. i dun buy that..

Fine.. i will be there @ 2pm everysaturday & leave by 630pm as well..

Do not blame me for my Callousness.... you asked for it..

In this world.. there will no more be any Liu Shuhui.... get this clear.. my name is Liu EnQi

If i can leave.. leave without a trace...
no one will notice
no one will realise
no one will think about it
no one will wonder what happened
no one will even remember....

in time to come..I'll be no longer missed...no longer...not anymore